apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
