Cold hands, warm shart.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
