i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
