I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
