We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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