Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
