Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I think your dad took our porno
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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