and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
