I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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