with your own penis?
Your tits are I can't wait for
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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