i always forget guys have bellybuttons
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
