i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
