i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
