I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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