Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
