dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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