WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
he puts the penis in happiness.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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