I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
