Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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