One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
