Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
