how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i drank out of a bidet.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
