yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
