would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
