i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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