I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
either way he was missing a nipple.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Never joke about your clitoris.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
