I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
