Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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