you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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