This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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