I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
