I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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