I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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