i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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