I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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