I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
