I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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