So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
