I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My ATM looks so different sober.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
