Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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