i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
