she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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