i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
