i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
