New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Did I show you my penis last night?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
