i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Boobs speak an international language.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
