maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
