Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
