Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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