I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
