Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
